BoyGirl Thing
by sushigal007
Summary: The Doctor, Jamie and Zoe take a much needed holiday, but things don't stay quiet for long. While investigating a crashed spaceship, Zoe plays with a mysterious machine and accidently turns Jamie into a girl. M rated for slash, het and femmeslash.
1. Chapter 1

Chapter One

Long, green grass waved gently in a summer breeze. Then the sound of engines filled the air and the grass fluttered wildly as air was forced out of the area to make way for a solid blue London police box that suddenly appeared out of nowhere. The whirring engines ground down into silence. A few seconds later, the doors opened.

"Warm. And quiet," Zoe Heriot commented, stepping out onto the grass. "You actually did it."

"Ye of little faith," the mysterious gentleman known as the Doctor said, looking a bit cross. "I got us to the hospital OK, didn't I?"

Jamie McCrimmon, a younger man wearing a kilt, followed them out of the police box and shut the door behind him. "Oh, y' mean that hospital where they put chips in my head and robots in my arm and Cybermen strapped me to a table and tried to cut my brains out?"

"Well, yes," the Doctor agreed. "But they did fix your broken bones."

"It's quite nice here," Zoe commented, laying a blanket out on the grass and sitting herself down. "Where are we?"

"Not a clue," the Doctor admitted. "There wasn't a name for this planet on the TARDIS data banks. Shall we go find out?"

"Let us have our lunch first," Jamie told him. He placed a large picnic basket on the blanket and settled down next to Zoe. The two of them produced books and began reading. The Doctor couldn't help but smile at them as he noticed that Zoe was reading a book on advanced nanotechnology in medicine, while Jamie was reading a 1970's Beano annual.

"Hand me a sausage roll, will y'?" Jamie asked, not lifting his gaze from the comic book.

"Get it yourself," Zoe retorted, eyes trained on her own book. "And get me one too."

The Doctor rolled his eyes and dropped a sausage roll on both of their books. Then he sat down on the grass and gazed across the landscape. "That's odd," he commented after a few minutes.

"What is?" Jamie and Zoe asked in unison, continuing their reading.

The Doctor reached over and snatched the books away. "Look at the wheat growing over there," he said, pointing into the distance.

"What are we looking for?" Zoe asked irritably.

Jamie gasped. "It's moving!"

"No, no, it's not moving, I rather think it's growing," the Doctor corrected.

"That's impossible," Zoe said.

The Doctor absent-mindedly handed her the Beano annual. "Well, shall we go and see about that?"

Zoe and Jamie pulled faces at his back as he strode across the grass, and then ran to catch up.

"See?" the Doctor said excitedly.

"All right, it's not impossible," Zoe said grudgingly as a green shoot popped out of the ground before her. "Can we go back to our picnic now?"

"What?!" The Doctor sounded horrified. "You mean you don't want to find out why it's growing so fast?! Wheat shouldn't grow this fast! It's impossible!"

"But I thought it wasnae?" Jamie said, confused, waving at the wheat which was growing around his ankles. "I mean, it's happening."

"Well, it shouldn't be," the Doctor said decisively. "It's unnatural. Something's going on here and we're going to find out what."

"But… our picnic…" Zoe protested weakly, knowing that nothing would stop the Doctor investigating once his curiosity had been aroused. She groaned and handed Jamie the Beano book. "Oh, here."

Jamie looked longingly back at the picnic basket, then sighed and began following his friends. "So what exactly are we looking for?" he asked, batting wheat out of the way with the book.

"Anything suspicious," the Doctor said, striding over the crest of a hill. "Burnt-out buildings, doors in rocks, unicorns…"

"Crashed spaceships?" Zoe suggested, pointing downhill to a blackened, corroding metal monstrosity of a spaceship that rather looked as if it had been stepped on by a giant, Godly foot.

The Doctor nodded happily at it. "Yes, that's exactly the sort of thing. Come on!"

He skipped down the hill and skidded to a halt next a rusted gash in the metal wall. "Ah yes, we can get in this way I think. Be careful here, you two, this looks a bit sharp."

"Do we have to?" Zoe asked, looking warily at the darkness within. "It doesn't look very safe."

"I'll go first and help y' through," Jamie said gallantly. The Doctor produced a small penlight from his pockets and handed it over. The Scotsman shone the light inside the wreckage and carefully stepped inside. Immediately, a humming noise began and the lights switched on. He leapt out again with a yelp. "It's alive!"

"It's automatic," the Doctor corrected. He stepped past Jamie and into the wreckage. "Motion sensitive. Perhaps it's not all as badly damaged as it looks."

"I am," Jamie said unhappily, holding up his arm. "I cut my arm."

"You'll be fine," the Doctor said heartlessly, taking another step into the ship. "Come on, the interior appears to be stable."

Zoe stepped daintily into the ship after him. After another miserable look at the bleeding cut on his arm, Jamie followed.

The interior of the spaceship looked like every other spaceship Jamie had set foot in. Metal, soulless and stale-smelling. The sunlight disappeared rapidly and the air grew heavier as the trio walked deeper into the wreckage, footsteps echoing on the metal walkways.

After several minutes of walking, they found themselves in front of a large and heavy door. They exchanged glances, then the Doctor stepped forward and pushed it open.

"Oooh," Jamie breathed, looking around the room in interest. Lights of all colours glittered on the metal walls. A large counter stood in the centre of the room, and was covered in a variety of tempting buttons and levers.

"What is it?" Zoe asked, sounding equally awed. She wandered over to the counter and ran her hands longingly across the edge.

"I'm not sure," the Doctor admitted, turning around in a circle. "It's not the navigation systems, and it doesn't appear to be cryogenic or maintenance controls." He wandered across the room to another door and peered into the room beyond. "I wonder if this computer still works?" he questioned aloud, stepping out of the room.

Jamie smiled at Zoe, who was still lovingly stroking the mysterious panel. "Och, you're as bad as the Doctor with t' TARDIS," he teased.

"It's lovely," Zoe breathed. "I wonder what it does? I should like to study it."

"Aye, well no' before we find out if it's dangerous or no'," Jamie warned, waggling a finger at her.

"Oh no, it's far too beautiful to be bad," Zoe said dreamily. She ran her fingers along a line of buttons. "But it probably doesn't work anymore anyway," she added sadly.

"Well, don't go touching anything, just in case now," Jamie warned.

Zoe pulled a face at him. "Why? Scared?"

Jamie puffed out his chest haughtily. "I'm no' scared o' some silly buttons."

"Oh really?" Zoe suddenly reached out and jabbed a blue button then laughed as Jamie squeaked in fear. "Oh Jamie, it does-"

A bright blue light enveloped Jamie, freezing him in place.

"Ah." Zoe took another look at the buttons. "Oh. Perhaps it does work after all."

"Zoe," Jamie said slowly. "Go and get the Doctor."

"Oh no, don't worry, it's all right," Zoe said brightly. "It's all perfectly logical. I can undo it."

Jamie pressed his hands against the blue light, trying to break free of its hold. "No, don't press anything else, just get the Doctor."

"Shh, I'm trying to concentrate," Zoe said crossly. "Hmm. OK. Yes, I think I've got it."

"Zoe, please," Jamie said desperately. "Just get the Doctor and leave t' buttons alone."

"Oh honestly, Jamie McCrimmon!" Zoe exclaimed crossly. "I'm just as clever as the Doctor, you know that! Now, I got you in there, I'll get you out." And with that, she jabbed several buttons in quick succession.

A golden glow enveloped Jamie from head to toe. Red specks began to whirl around him, slowly at first, then faster and faster. Zoe shielded her eyes as the light began to glow brighter. There was a blinding flash and she blinked rapidly to clear the dots in front of her eyes.

After a few seconds, her vision cleared and she gazed in a mixture of horror and amusement at her friend. "You know what, I think I'll just get the Doctor."


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter Two

The blue light around Jamie disappeared as suddenly as it had appeared. Not expecting this, he fell flat on his face.

_His_ face?

Things were definitely different. He climbed slowly to his feet, carefully patting himself down, stopping at his chest. Carefully, he lowered his gaze. Then he raised his eyes and glared at Zoe.

Zoe held his gaze for a split second and then ran for it. "DOCTOR!"

"What are you two doing?!" the Doctor exclaimed as Zoe rushed behind him in a streak of glitter.

"Just look what she did t' me!" Jamie yelled madly, gesturing wildly at his body.

The Doctor glanced at him, then did a spectacular double take. Jamie had lost several inches in height, his voice had risen in pitch, his features had softened, but most noticeable was the pair of shapely breasts. "Goodness! Are those…" He reached out a hand questioningly, then thought better of it. "Er…"

Jamie crossed his arms angrily. "Aye, yon lassie did some hocus pocus with that computer and turned me into a lass!"

The Doctor turned his head and glared over his shoulder at Zoe. "Zoe, you didn't?"

"I didn't mean to," she protested weakly. "It was an accident!"

"Accident?!" Jamie spluttered. "I have… girl bits!"

Zoe opened her mouth to say something, but before she could, two men in green boiler suits jumped into the room, brandishing weapons. "Freeze!"

With a feeling of deja-vu, the trio raised their hands in surrender.

"All right, who are you?" one of the men said suspiciously.

"I'm the Doctor, these are my companions, Zoe and Jamie," the Doctor explained, indicating each in turn. "We're travellers."

"Travellers?" the other, elder and taller man queried. "This planet's still in the process of terraforming, you shouldn't be here."

"Terraforming?" The Doctor's face brightened. "Oh, I see! And that machine out there, I assume it's used to replicate and improve specimens from your planet for use here?"

The men exchanged glances. "Well… it was, yeah," the younger one said slowly. "But it's broken."

"Broken?!" Jamie exclaimed, horrified. "Broken how?"

The men blinked, switching their attention form the Doctor to the young girl. "Oh, well, it's gone mental," the younger one said, looking flustered, absently running his hands through his short brown hair.

The elder man puffed out his chest importantly. "Sorry, my colleague here isn't really into the technical stuff. Devin Jones, microbiologist." He stuck out a hand and after a moments hesitation, Jamie lowered his… no, _her_ hands and shook it. "Basically, the data banks got a bit damaged in the landing… oh, your arm!"

Jamie glanced at the blood on the arm of her shirt. "Oh, it's nowt. This machine-"

"Nonsense, let's get you to the medibay," Devin interrupted, lowering his gun and smiling widely. "The captain will want to see you, anyway."

He stepped out of the room, through a metal doorway and began to lead them through steel corridors. "So, this terrifying machine," Jamie asked again after a few moments. "How's it broken exactly?"

"Er, terraforming. Like Dev said, it was damaged when we landed," the other man chipped in before Devin could reply. "I'm Atticus," he added. "Head of Preservation and Continuance."

"Repairman, you mean," Devin muttered.

Atticus ignored him. "We thought it looked OK, so we started mass producing and planting wheat. Only it wasn't OK."

"Oh yes? We saw the wheat," The Doctor said.

"Yeah? You saw how fast it grows, right?" Atticus turned his attention back to Jamie. "Well, turns out the machine's got something wrong with it and it's re-writing the DNA to make it like super perfect and stuff."

"And… that's bad?" Jamie asked warily.

"We're not sure yet," Atticus admitted. "Dev and his gang are testing it."

Devin stopped in front of a doorway and pushed the door open. Inside was a brightly lit lounge area. This part of the ship was obviously still in use, and several people in the same green boiler suits glanced at the new arrivals in interest as they walked past.

"Yeah, so we told the Interplanetary Colonisation Central about it and we're not allowed to touch the machine now until we find out if there's any downside to this," Devin explained, leading them past a bank of computers and a dining area.

"What sort of downside?" Zoe asked nervously, picking at a bit of glitter on her catsuit.

"Oh, early death, cell mutation, that sort of thing," Devin said breezily, pushing open a door with a green cross on it and missing the murderous look Jamie sent Zoe's way. "Here we are."

The room inside was white and shiny, right down to the blond male doctor who greeted them as they entered.

"The young lady here's cut her arm," Devin explained, waving at Jamie. "Can you see to her, Sean, while we go get the captain?"

"Oh yeah, I can see to her no problem," he said cheerfully, giving Jamie a lecherous look, who stepped back nervously. "Hop up on the bed here, gorgeous and take your shirt off."

Jamie crossed her arms abruptly across her breasts. "Y'know, I think I'm OK, thank you."

"It might be wise to let the doctor examine you, Jamie," the Doctor said gently. "Just to make sure that… ahem… _things_ are all OK."

"I'm no' taking mah shirt off in front of him!" Jamie hissed furiously. "Cannae _you_ check me out?"

The Doctor stepped backward hastily. "Oh goodness me, no!" he spluttered, turning crimson. "Oh no no, you know I'm not a doctor of medicine!"

Sean watched the exchange with interest. "It's OK love, I am a proper doctor, I've seen it all before. But if you like, I can go get a lady doctor for you."

"Yes please," Jamie said, relieved.

Sean left the room, and for several seconds, the three of them stood in silence. Then they began talking in unison.

"I'm so sorry! I never-"

"Of all the stupid-"

"Cell mutation and _death_?!"

The Doctor held up a hand to stop his companions, and then glared at Zoe, who looked as though she was about to cry. "Really, Zoe, after what happened with the Krotons, I would've thought you'd learned not to meddle with machinery you don't recognise," he said sternly.

"I'm really sorry," she said, with a small sniffle. "I honestly thought the whole place was abandoned and it didn't work." She turned and looked desperately at Jamie. "I'm so sorry, I really am. We'll fix the machine and turn you back as soon as possible, won't we Doctor?"

"Of course," the Doctor said reassuringly, patting Jamie on the arm. "Don't worry, you'll be back to your old self in no time at all."

"Oh aye?" she said, sceptically. "And what about until then?"

The Doctor opened his mouth, then closed it again and looked to Zoe for help.

"Well, think of this as a unique learning opportunity," Zoe said after a moment's thought.

"A learning opportunity?" Jamie repeated slowly, looking puzzled. "What d'ye mean?"

"I mean you have a chance here that lots of men would kill for," Zoe explained. "You can learn the secrets of the female body."

There was a short silence, in which the Doctor tried not to either laugh or cry at the look of fear and horror on Jamie's face.

"Er… secrets?" she said eventually.

"Oh yes. Like this." With out warning, Zoe reached out and squeezed one of Jamie's boobs.

Jamie shrieked and swatted her away frantically. "What d'ye do that for, y' crazy bawheid?!"

"Hurts, doesn't it?" Zoe said, ignoring her insult. "Lesson one, boobs are not just lumps of flesh. They have feelings too and should be treated with respect and care. And I'll bet you're never going to do that to a lady, are you?"

Jamie scowled at her, and folded her arms across her chest protectively. "I might just do it t' ye," she muttered. "So what other secrets are there?"

Zoe hesitated, then glanced at the Doctor, who quickly looked away and pretended to be fascinated by a piece of gauze. "Er… oh look, it's the doctor," she said in relief as the door opened and a middle-aged brunette woman in a white lab coat walked in. "Why don't the Doctor and I wait outside until you're done?"


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter Three

Outside the medibay, the Doctor and Zoe waiting alongside Devin, who had been ordered to escort them to the captain's office as soon as possible. After a few minutes of awkward silence, the door opened and Jamie stepped out.

"Ah, Jamie, how are you?" Devin asked cheerfully, brightening up at the sight of the girl.

Jamie shrugged. "Fine," she said blandly. "Are we oft t' the captain now?"

Devin nodded and began leading the way. After looking around quickly to see if there was anyone else about, Jamie leaned in close to the Doctor. "The cut's gone," she whispered.

The Doctor frowned, finding himself slightly distracted by the warm breath on his ear. "Gone?"

"Aye." Jamie showed him the tear in the fabric of her shirt. Underneath, the skin was smooth and unmarked. "D'ye think it's summat t' do with the machine mebbe making me heal fast like the wheat grows fast?"

"You could be right," the Doctor said thoughtfully.

/\/\/\

Captain Rigby Truman was a rational and intelligent man. After leaving University and joining the Interplanetary Colonisation Central, he'd risen through the ranks at a rapid speed and had headed many expeditions to terraform alien planets and make them habitable for the increasing human race. After 15 years, at the age of 43, this was the first time any of his missions had gone wrong and the last thing he needed were tourists buggering things up. As soon as Devin opened the door, he sat up straighter, and placed a stern look upon his face, ready to lecture the visitors.

Except as soon as the brunette girl in kilt entered the room, he forgot all rational thought and almost dribbled on his desk.

"I'm the Doctor," the scruffy gentleman said helpfully, holding out a hand to shake. Captain Truman reluctantly dragged his eyes away from the girl and shook the proffered hand. "You wished to see us?"

"Ah. Yes." He shuffled some papers on his desk with an air of importance and promptly knocked over his coffee mug. "Shit!" The Doctor picked the mug up and handed it back to him. Utterly flustered, Captain Truman ran his fingers though his hair, suddenly horribly aware of his balding crown, and tried to compose himself. "Yes. My crew tell me that you're travellers, is that's right?" he asked, gazing steadfastly at the Doctor, who nodded an affirmative. "I'm afraid this planet is undergoing terraformation and is off limits to civilians at the moment. I'm going to have to ask you to allow a member of my staff to escort you to your spacecraft and leave."

"On no, we cannae leave!" The Girl Of His Dreams exclaimed in an utterly delightful accent. "Doctor, tell him!"

Captain Truman held back the urge to ask her to stay forever and turned his attention back to the Doctor, who smiled and nodded at him. "I hear you're having trouble with your DNA replicater, that's correct? Well, myself and my companion Zoe," he said, indicating the other girl. "We're geniuses."

"Oh yes?" he said, slightly amused.

The Girl Of His Dreams pulled a face that was still beautiful. "They're telling t' truth," she grumbled. "It gets a wee bit tiresome sometimes."

"Oh hush, Jamie," the Doctor said lightly, and Captain Truman missed everything that he said next as he thought how nice the name Jamie Truman sounded.

"I'm sorry, could you repeat that?" he asked, realising that the Doctor was saying words.

"I said, if you don't mind, we'd be happy to help your crew fix the machine," the Doctor said.

"Oh, OK." Captain Truman smiled, relieved that he had a reason not to order them away. "Your offer is greatly appreciated. Until it's fixed, we can't carry on our work." He glanced at his watch. "We're about to switch to the evening shift in half an hour. Would you like something to eat first?"

"Oh aye, that'd be grand!" Jamie looked delighted. And Captain Truman's soul sang with happiness.

/\/\/\

After the loss of their picnic, Jamie and Zoe were happy to find that instead of the freeze-dried food that was often found on spaceships, the terraforming mission ship was equipped with a food synthesizer.

"How's your roast lamb, Jamie?" the Doctor asked, oddly fascinated by the strange face in front of him.

"Good. It tastes right," Jamie said happily.

The Doctor looked around quickly and leaned in closer. "And how do you feel?"

Jamie stopped eating and wriggled uncomfortably. "Well… weird," she admitted. "I feel all wrong and I dinnae-"

She stopped talking suddenly as a young man walked over to their table, blushing furiously and twiddling his fingers nervously. "Um… hi, I was just um, I was wondering… um, if you might maybe like some coffee or something?" he asked, turning puce.

"No, I'm fine thanks," Jamie said, nodding at her cup of tea. The man looked as though he was about to ask something else, then lost his nerve and scuttled away.

"He meant later," Zoe said with a giggle.

Jamie looked baffled. "How would I know what I want later? Anyway, that's another thing," she added, nodding towards a group of men, who all looked up and smiled at her. "I dinnae like how attentive they're being. It gives me the creeps."

"Oh, you get used to it," Zoe said cheerfully.

"Well I dinnae want t' get used to it," Jamie sulked. She looked hopefully at the Doctor. "D'you think I should tell them I'm no' a lassie?"

The Doctor drummed his fingers thoughtfully on the table top. "That's probably not a good idea," he said eventually. "They all seem rather taken with you. Especially Captain Truman. The truth would be humiliating and he could even throw us out."

"Well I don't want that." Jamie stabbed viciously at a piece of lamb. "All right, I'll say nowt."

"There's a good lad," the Doctor said encouragingly, patting her on the shoulder.

"But if any o' them lads tries anything, I'll larrup them," she added.

The Doctor quickly removed his hand. "Ready, Zoe?" he asked, noticing her empty plate. "We've got work to do."


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter Four

Fifteen minutes later, Zoe, the Doctor and two members of the crew were gazing at a stack of paperwork that contained details of all the repair work.

"Oh dear me, this isn't right at all," the Doctor lamented, flicking through several pages at top speed. "This biogenetic alteration circuit is in completely the wrong place! And as for that genome decoder programme…"

"It's not really my field," Bob, the crew's repairman said defensively. "I'm trained to fix engines. Tracie's the one with the Astrobiocomputing degree."

The Doctor and Zoe turned to look at Tracie, who seemed utterly unconcerned with the terraforming machine and far more interested in Jamie's kilt.

"…Love your skirt," they heard her compliment. "Where did you get it?"

Jamie didn't bother correcting her. "Scotland."

"Is that in the Mall Of Saturn?"

"Trace!" Bob shouted, looking peeved. He nodded at the damaged machine. "Work!"

"Yeah, all right," Tracie snapped, pulling a face at him. She tuned and rolled her eyes comradely at Jamie. "Men, huh?"

"Ay, right," Jamie said uncomfortably. She hurried to the Doctor's side and pretended to read one of the repair logs. "So Doctor, what exactly does this terrible machine do?" she asked after a few seconds, leaning over his shoulder to sneak a peek at his report.

"Terraform," the Doctor corrected. "It… well, it terraforms." Jamie looked blankly at him, so he elaborated. "It converts the environment of alien planets to make them more like the Earth, so human beings can live there."

Jamie's face brightened in understanding. "Oh, I see! Like a computer of those seed pods t' Ice Warriors sent to Earth to take away the air?"

"Yes, that's exactly it!" The Doctor smiled proudly. "Of course, it's a bit more sophisticated than that. The colonists can bring samples of things from Earth with them, but they have a limited amount of space. This machine allows them to clone things so that there's enough to spread across the whole planet. Of course, it can be very dangerous if something goes wrong…" He trailed off, engrossed in the repair reports.

Except he found himself reading the same line over and over as Jamie perched on the edge of the machine and swung her legs back and forth, making the kilt swish with each movement. He dragged his eyes away and found himself looking at Bob, who had stopped reading and was gazing, slack-jawed at the girl. "Have you found the documentation on the reversal of the polarity of the neutron flow yet?" he asked pointedly.

Bob blinked and refocused. "Huh? Oh. Hang on, it's here somewhere…" He reached blindly for the stack of paper next to him and knocked it all flying.

The Doctor groaned and rubbed his face wearily. "What about you, Zoe?"

"This cell manipulator processor is completely wrong, but I think I can fix it," she said cheerfully, waving a piece of paper at him.

"You think?" Jamie asked suspiciously.

"I know," she corrected. "It'll take a while though, I need to break down the computer code and find out exactly where those idiots have botched it up." She reached over and patted Jamie on the arm. "Don't worry, you'll have your testosterone back in now time."

Jamie frowned. "Testosterone?"

Zoe waved him away. "It's a man thing. Ask the Doctor."

Jamie turned and looked curiously at the Doctor. "Is it-?"

"No. It's a chemical thing," the Doctor interrupted, turning slightly pink. "I'll explain it another time."

"So what do I have now instead then?" Jamie asked in interest.

"Oestrogen," the Doctor said, trying to concentrate. Somehow, it was very difficult to do so with Jamie hanging over his shoulder, asking questions.

"And that's a girl chemical thing? Is that what makes them talk in riddles and scream? Ow!"

Zoe swatted her over the head. "It's a hormone. For the menstrual cycle."

"And that's…?"

Zoe pretended to be deaf so Jamie looked inquisitively at the Doctor, who turned even pinker. "Oh. Dear. Um, I'll give you a book when we get back to the TARDIS. It's very complicated. And I do need to concentrate," he added, hoping Jamie would get the hint.

Jamie looked down at herself in interest. "Oh aye? Are there any other girl things-"

"Why don't you go and see if the captain can find us somewhere to sleep tonight?" the Doctor interrupted hastily. "It looks like it could take a while to fix this."

Jamie nodded and jumped off of the console, kilt swishing, and Bob nearly stabbed himself in the hand with a screwdriver.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter Five

Walking through the metal corridors of the ship, Jamie found herself uncomfortably aware of the strangers staring at her, with what seemed like even greater desire than previously. She kept her eyes down and sped up the pace, trying not to draw attention to herself.

Unfortunately, she couldn't seem to shake it off. Halfway across the lounge area, she was accosted by several men in boiler suits. "Hey, beautiful," one of them greeted. "Has anyone given you the ten Euro tour yet?"

"Er, yes," she lied, hurrying forward. "Nice place y' got here."

"Not as nice as you," another one said with a grin. "Want to come to the bar with us? It'll be a laugh."

Suddenly, another group of men approached. "Oh no, you don't want to go to the crummy bar, Darlin'. The beers all watered down and the music's crap. Come see a movie with us."

"She doesn't want to watch that crappy sci-fi film," one of the original group argued.

"Well who says she wants to spend the night breathing in your smoke and listening to the Rolling Stones?" one of the new men answered back, giving him a shove.

The other man pushed him back, and a moment later, a fist fight broke up. Jamie watched the fight with morbid fascination, then spotting another man heading her way, ran for it.

Ignoring the echoing cries of "Jamie I love you!" and "come back, beautiful!" she skidded down the network of corridors, heading for Captain Truman's office.

/\/\/\

Back at the terraforming machine, work was going a lot faster. Even Bob had pulled himself together and made himself useful. Now he was handing the Doctor tools as the later lay beneath the control panel, pulling wires out of place and rearranging them. Meanwhile, Zoe and Tracie were reading over lines of computer coding.

"Oh dear," Zoe said all of a sudden.

"What is it?" Tracie said in interest, leaning over her shoulder.

"It's the specifications for DNA encoding that the machine's stuck on," Zoe explained. "Doctor, I think you'd better come and look at this."

The Doctor slid out from beneath the control panel, looking dishevelled and hurried over beside her, quickly joined by Bob. "What's going on?" Bob asked.

Tracie pointed to the screen in excitement. "It's why the wheat's spreading so fast. The machine knows it needs to colonise the entire planet, so it's somehow decided that the best way to do that is to make the wheat really fertile."

"Is it all right other than that?" Bob asked.

Tracie hesitated. "Well, yeah, kind of. The structure is cellularly sound, but it's gonna spread like wildfire."

"But that's not bad, is it?" Bob asked for clarification, missing the look of growing horror on the Doctor's face. "I mean, yay for fast spreading wheat. People will never starve again."

Tracie scowled at him. "They're not starving now. We clone all the food we need. We don't need a planet covered in wheat! And don't you get what it'll do to any animals we try and duplicate?!"

While Bob and Tracie were arguing over wheat, Zoe and the Doctor moved away to a quiet corner. "Oh dear, do you know what this means for Jamie?" the Doctor said in concern.

Zoe looked stricken. "That stupid machine thinks he needs to populate the whole planet! That explains why all the men were flirting with him, his whole body chemistry is concentrated on reproducing!"

The Doctor danced from one foot to the other in agitation. "And we've just sent him back into that ship full of… full of frustrated men! All alone!"

/\/\/\

Meanwhile, Jamie was stood in front of Captain Truman's office door. She knocked, and pushed the door open. "Hello?"

Captain Truman looked up and smiled warmly at her. "Jamie! Can I do anything for you?"

"Aye, the Doctor says it's going to take a while t' fix the terrific machine, so I there anywhere we can stay tonight? Er… also, some of your crew are fighting," she added, pointing back towards the door.

"Stay with me," Captain Truman said breathlessly.

Jamie looked at him in bemusement. "What?"

He jumped to his feet and dropped to his knees in front of the surprised girl. "Stay with me forever. Marry me."

"But…" Jamie trailed off, stunned. "But that's crazy! We only just met!"

"I don't care!" He grabbed her hands and looked adoringly up at her. "We'll ditch this crappy planet and run away together. We'll buy a house on New Saturn and have a cat and seven children."

Horrified, Jamie shook her hands free. "Um… you know, I think… I have to go," she blurted, and bolted for the door. She managed to slam shut before he could follow her and dashed back down the corridor.

Then she skidded to a halt. Rushing towards her with their arms outstretched, were the men from the lounge. She spun around, just in time to see Captain Truman yank open the door and stumble towards her.

She was trapped.


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter Six

Twenty men on one side. One on the other. The maths was easy. Captain Truman's face lit up in delight as Jamie turned and began running back towards him, only to be replaced by disappointment and she ducked under his outstretched arms and carried on down the corridor. "Come back, Jamie darling!" he cried, leading the chase after her.

A metal doorway loomed ahead and Jamie thankfully ran through it and slammed it shut, spinning the wheel on the other side to lock it. There was a loud thunk as somebody ran into the door, then a series of bangs and crashes as the men on the other side began hammering their fists against it. She leaned her forehead against it, breathing heavily after the exertion and wondering what the hell was going on. Apart from the fact that she was actually a he, there wasn't anything unusual about herself as far as she knew, so why had all the crew gone bananas?

All of a sudden, she was grabbed from behind. She yelped and thrust an elbow backwards at her assailant.

"Ow," said a familiar voice.

Jamie spun around. "Zoe? Oh thank goodness! T' men have gone crazy!"

"I know," Zoe nodded, looking sympathetic, patting her on the arm. "I came to rescue you. Are you going to thank me?"

"Oh. Aye. Thanks," Jamie said. There was a short pause. "You can stop patting my arm now."

"Hmm?" Zoe looked up at her and smiled. "Oh, Jamie? You remember when you asked about secrets of the female body?"

Jamie looked quizzically at her. "Huh?"

"I think I'd like to share them with you." Without warning, Zoe grabbed Jamie by the collar and smashed her lips against the other girls.

Zoe, it turned out, was a rather violent kisser. Jamie yanked her head backwards with a yelp as the other girl bit her lip. "W-what are y' doing?!"

"Oh hush," Zoe scolded cheerfully, squashing Jamie against the door. "We're two of a kind, you and me, travellers in space and time. We should be together."

"Er, we're also both lassies," Jamie pointed out, trying to wriggle free. "Ow!"

Zoe grinned and stopped biting her ear. "So? It's the future. It doesn't matter if you're a boy or a girl."

It was obvious that Zoe had gone mad too, Jamie realised as the other girl tries to stick her tongue in her ear. "Zoe, you're ill. Let's go find the Doctor."

"Oh no, I'm not sharing," Zoe muttered, trying to undo the buttons on Jamie's shirt.

Jamie swatted her hands away. "Zoe, I don't want t' hurt you…"

The little astrophysicist grinned wickedly "Oh do! I've been a bad girl, you should punish me." And with that, she leaned up and tried to kiss Jamie again.

Deciding that Zoe had gone quite, quite insane, Jamie did the only thing she could think of to make her let go; she reached out and squeezed Zoe's boob. Hard.

The effect was instantaneous, Zoe leapt backwards with a scream of pain and once again, Jamie ran.

After several minutes, she found herself around the medibay. She paused for a moment, trying to work out the direction to the terraforming machine, where the Doctor would be. The Doctor would know what to do. She leaned against a door to think.

The door opened and she fell into the arms of Sean. "Hey there, gorgeous!" he exclaimed, looking delighted. "Just what the doctor ordered!"

Sick of being chased and groped, Jamie kneed Sean between the legs and took off running again. Happily, when she skidded into the lounge area, it was deserted; presumably the crew were somewhere else, chasing her.

From there it was easy to find her way back to the room with the terraforming machine. She burst into the room, scaring the Doctor, Bob and Tracie. "Doctor, everyone's gone ma-oh no!"

Bob and Tracie lurched towards her, arms outstretched. "I love you!" they cried in unison.

Jamie backed away, and then all of a sudden, the Doctor leapt in front of her, waving a screwdriver threateningly. "Back, both of you!" he shouted. Tracie and Bob stopped and looked warily at him. "Jamie, when I say run," the Doctor said quietly. "Run!"


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter Seven

"RUN!"

The two of them ran. Back through the metal corridors, towards the rusting, desolate section of the ship. The wails of Bob and Tracie died away as they scrambled through the breech in the hull and began running towards the TARDIS.

The innocent-looking blue telephone box had never looked so inviting. As soon as the Doctor had gotten the doors open, Jamie staggered inside and collapsed into a chair, utterly exhausted. It felt as though she had been running for hours. The Doctor operated the scanner controls and studied the landscape outside. "Good… it doesn't look like they followed us…"

"Doctor, what's going on?" Jamie interrupted. "The crew's gone crazy, Captain Truman asked me to marry him and Zoe…" She stopped and blushed. "Well, she… she's not right."

"Oh dear, that's not a good sign." The Doctor looked worried. "Zoe's definitely affected too?"

"Aye." Jamie didn't elaborate. "It's that terrythingy machine, isn't it?"

The Doctor nodded sadly. "You remember the chemicals we were talking about earlier?"

"The weird girl ones you wouldn't tell me about?"

"Yes, those ones." The Doctor fidgeted uncomfortably and looked at his shoes. "Well, it turns out that the machine has programmed everything it clones or alters to reproduce quickly, in order to colonise the planet faster."

Jamie looked blankly at him. "What's that got to do with me being chased around the ship for t' past hour?"

"Er… well, the thing is…" The Doctor began to turn scarlet. "Er… you're sending out chemicals that tell men you're ready to…" He stopped talking and swallowed hard. "Um, readytohavebabies."

"Ready to what?" The girl looked at him, totally confused.

The Doctor turned away. There was no way he could look at Jamie and say it without breaking into hysterical giggles. Not that it was funny, or course, it was horrifying. And most horrifying of all was that he knew he was beginning to be affected. Jamie had always been attractive, that went without saying. It was something he was happy to sit and appreciate from a distance. Or appreciate whenever the boy invaded his personal space. But now he was finding it harder and harder to look and not touch, like some deliciously mouth-watering forbidden candy with perfect boobs, standing in front of him in a kilt, waving a hand in front of his face and calling his name… "Bwah?!"

"Are y' all right? Y' were saying something." Jamie asked, looking concerned and slightly apprehensive.

"I was?" The Doctor looked blankly up at her, then remembered. "Oh yes! Chemicals! You're sending them out to signal that you're ready to have babies."

"I'm WHAT?!" Jamie clung on to the console to stop herself from crumbling to the floor in shock. "I'm no' ready for a bairn! I'm a man!"

"Not right now you're not," the Doctor explained gently. "Your body is very much a woman."

"I'm no' having a bairn," she said flatly. "And no wee chemicals are going to change that."

The Doctor shook his head sadly. "I'm afraid the chemicals are getting stronger the longer you abstain. The longer you stay a woman, the worse it's going to get. That's why the men lost control. That's why Zoe's affected." He hesitated, considering his words. "There is a very real danger that if you go back to that ship, you may not get a choice in the matter," he said quietly.

Jamie gazed at the floor, looking very pale. "What do y' suggest?" she asked in a small voice.

The Doctor frowned for a moment, deep in thought. The he smiled brightly. "I shall create an antidote," he said happily, clapping his hands together. "Come along, lets get going."

Jamie looked around, almost expecting some form of antidote to appear in midair. "Where?"

"To the lab, of course. You don't expect me to whip up something here in the console room, do you?"

"There's a lab on t' TARDIS?"

"Oh yes, of course." The Doctor stepped out of the console room and into the mazelike interior of the TARDIS. "There's a swimming pool too. And a garden." He glanced at Jamie with a mischievous twinkle in his eye. "It might interest you to hear that there's even a bath."

"Oh aye?" Jamie suddenly frowned, realising the Doctor was teasing her. "Y' know, you're not a very nice man sometimes."


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter Eight

They walked along in silence for several minutes, past weird and wonderful rooms Jamie was sure hadn't existed before. A thought suddenly occurred to him. "Doctor, you're a man, how come you're no' affected by these chemical things?"

"I am," the Doctor said ruefully. "However, while I may be a man, I am not a human man. The chemicals are less effective on me." He stopped suddenly and opened a door to some sort of storage room. Jamie leaned against a Greek pillar and watched curiously as the Doctor pulled open a drawer and began rummaging inside. "Where did I put that… aha!" Triumphantly, he handed Jamie a strange metal rod with prongs on the end.

"What's this?" she asked curiously.

"It's an electric shock baton," the Doctor said cheerfully. "You press this…" He reached over and held down a button. Blue sparks jumped between the prongs and Jamie let go of the device with a small squeak of surprise. "…And poke people with it."

"I thought you didnae like violence?" Jamie asked, picking the baton up and eyeing it nervously.

"I don't." The Doctor looked offended at the suggestion. "Besides, it's harmless. Mostly. I thought it might be useful when we go back to the ship. Not that there'll be anything wrong with my antidote, but just in case."

Jamie brightened up at the thought of electrocuting the crew and cheerfully followed the Doctor into a large, shiny laboratory.

Once inside, she looked around in interest. On the left side of the lab, a large refrigerator stood on a counter next to a row of test tubes and petri dishes. At the other end of the counter was a high-tech microscope, a computer and something that looked like a microwave. Shiny alien machinery was arranged in the centre and on the right was a clear glass wall with a door set in it. On the other side was a plain gurney.

"Right. Let's get to work, shall we?" the Doctor said, rubbing his hands together. "Would you mind just sitting down over there for a moment?" he asked, pointing to a chair outside the glass room. "I'd like to draw up some blood for tests if that's all right."

Jamie sat down and tapped on the glass. "What's this for?"

"It's an isolation room," the Doctor said, wheeling over a small trolley with a tray of colour-coded tubes and sterile needles on top. "I think it was originally installed as a quarantine area. I just use it to store bedding. Although I did once capture a sort of sea slug on Marafolia that gave off toxic fumes. I was able to take samples of the air in there and make a solution to neutralise the gas. Sadly, it died. Could you roll up your sleeve for me?"

Jamie eyed the room apprehensively. "Y' won't need me t' go in there, will ye?"

"Possibly." The Doctor tightened an elastic belt around the girls arm, then glanced at her worried face. "Oh don't worry, Jamie, it's perfectly safe. The room didn't kill the slug; it got killed by a flying crocodile when I set it free." He tapped Jamie's arm and then carefully poked the skin with a needle. Jamie went slightly pale and turned away as the Doctor attached one of the tubes to the needle. "Are you all right?"

"I dinnae like seeing my blood," she muttered.

The Doctor smiled and quickly finished. "All done," he said cheerfully, holding a piece of cotton wool over the small wound. "Hold that there until it stops bleeding. And try putting your head between your legs," he added as Jamie nodded woozily. "It'll make you feel better."

It took a lot of willpower not to stay and pat Jamie on the back comfortingly. And to not put his own head between Jamie's legs. Instead, he popped the tubes of blood into a few of the alien machines. A few moments later, he felt a familiar presence at his side. "Better?" he asked, keeping his eye on the digital readout.

"Aye, thanks." Jamie peered over his shoulder. "What are ye doing?"

"Er…" The breath on his neck was extremely distracting. The Doctor closed his eyes and counted to ten in Sanskrit in his head to regain control of himself. "The machine is going to see what chemicals are in your blood and in what quantities."

"And then you'll know what will work against them?" Jamie asked, seemingly oblivious to the effect she was having on the Doctor.

Jamie was touching him too much. He could feel her fingers on the back of his coat. The Doctor moved away slightly, counted up to twenty, then again in Martian until he regained the power of speech. "Um, yes, hopefully." The machine suddenly bleeped and spat out a length of paper. He grabbed it urgently and tried to concentrate.

"So what d' all these other gadgets do then?" Jamie asked, waving a hand at them.

"Hmm?" The Doctor looked up at her and immediately wished he hadn't. "Oh, ah, um, they… they do… things…"

Jamie frowned. "Are you all right, Doctor?"

The Doctor closed his eyes and tried to think unsexy thoughts. Sontarans in bikinis. Androgums in bikinis. Margaret Thatcher in a bikini. Jamie in a bikini. A white one. Wet and see-through.

Oh dear.

"Doctor?"

The Doctor kept his eyes closed and waved a hand in the general direction of Jamie's voice. "Stay back!"

Jamie stepped backwards, suddenly realising that the weird chemicals were working their magic on the Doctor.

"_Think of this as a unique learning opportunity."_

Zoe's voice whispered in her head and she hesitated, suddenly overwhelmed with curiosity. It was a question she'd occasionally asked herself in moments of madness, along with how did aeroplanes stay up and why was the sky sometimes different colours on alien planets; what would it be like to kiss the Doctor?

One thing was certain, this would probably be the only chance she'd get to find out and be able to blame it on something else.

She stepped forward and nervously touched the Doctor on the shoulder. "…Doctor?"

Jamie's touch was the last straw. With a moan of defeat, the Doctor spun around, pulled her close and kissed her.

Jamie's insides melted. The Doctor's kiss was the opposite of Zoe's scary biting; he was tentative and gentle. And it was very, very nice. Better than nice, actually. Her stomach wibbled and her new girly bits sang and everything tingled in a good way. The Doctor pushed her back against the glass wall and began tugging her shirt out of her kilt. Jamie considered smacking his hand away, just for show, then the Doctor's other hand danced along her thigh and she decided she didn't care what he did so long as he didn't stop.

Beyond rational thought, the Doctor had no intention of stopping. All he cared about was touching Jamie as much as possible. His hands wandered over the shapely figure until his fingers slid up to her chest and cupped her breast.

Remembering how much it hurt when Zoe had squeezed her boob, Jamie flinched.

The small movement was just enough to bring the Doctor back to his senses. This was wrong. Very wrong. This wasn't some random girl he could cheerfully shag and then forget about, this was _Jamie_. How could he even consider putting his dearest companion through the probable trauma of pregnancy and childbirth simply for a few minutes of pleasure?

With every ounce of willpower he possessed, the Doctor hit a button beside the glass wall. A door slid open and before he could change his mind, he gave Jamie a hard shove that sent her flying backwards into the isolation room. The door slid back into place before she could react and suddenly, it was easier to think.

The Doctor rested his head against the glass and drew in several shaky breaths. On the other side of the glass, Jamie scrambled to her feet, looking outraged. The Doctor looked sadly at her and wondered just how badly he'd gone and ruined their friendship.


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter Nine

"Er…" The Doctor coughed nervously and wondered what the hell to say. "Um, are you all right?"

"S'pose so," Jamie muttered sullenly, feeling surprisingly insulted at being rejected. "Wasnae exactly a soft landing but I'll live."

"Oh, I meant about…" The Doctor trailed off. "Oh dear, Jamie. I'm so terribly sorry. I never intended to-"

"Och, dinnae worry about it," Jamie interrupted. "Y' couldnae help it, like Zoe and the crew."

For a second, it looked like the Doctor was going to carry on apologising, then he sighed and nodded. "Very well. I suppose I'd better carry on working on that antidote, hmm?"

With that, he turned around and busied himself with the lab equipment, which was very effective at stopping him from thinking about the kiss.

Stuck in the glass room, Jamie had no such distraction. She had nothing to do but watch the Doctor work and wonder if she'd gone insane as well. It was very likely. In fact, blaming the whole thing on a large surge of crazy girl chemicals was a very comforting idea. Despite having travelled through time, walked on the moon and visited Atlantis, she was still an 18th century boy and she wasn't quite ready to admit that she found the Doctor rather attractive.

All of a sudden, there was loud crashing sound from the direction of the TARDIS doors. Jamie grabbed her knife and the Doctor looked up, startled. "Wait there," he ordered, and ran out of the lab.

"No wait, let me out!" Jamie shouted, banging on the glass. She kicked the wall in frustration when there was no answer.

A moment later, the Doctor reappeared, followed by Zoe, who for some reason, was wearing a space suit. "Oh, what a great idea," she said enthusiastically, spotting Jamie in the isolation room. "Can we leave him in there?"

"Only until it's safe," the Doctor said sternly as Jamie made a rude gesture at her. "I assume that's why you're wearing a space suit, am I right?"

"Oh, yes." Zoe unclipped the oxygen tanks on her back and began climbing out of the suit. "I thought perhaps if I had a separate oxygen supply, I might not be so badly affected."

"And when did you start thinking normally again?" the Doctor asked.

Zoe looked thoughtful. "About twenty minutes ago, why?"

"That would be about when we entered the TARDIS. That gives us some idea how long these pheromones last," the Doctor said thoughtfully. He wandered over to the computer and started typing.

"What about t' rest of he' crew?" Jamie asked in interest.

"Well, they all seem to be back to normal too," Zoe said, leaning against the glass. "What did Captain Truman do to you, by the way? He was very apologetic."

"Nothing."

Zoe smirked knowingly. "Really? Nothing?"

Jamie glared at her. "Aye, nothing. Well, he asked me t' marry him-" She stopped speaking as Zoe started laughing. "It's no' funny!"

"Stop teasing Jamie and come and help me," the Doctor ordered. Still chuckling, Zoe joined the Doctor as the computer. He pointed at the screen. "Now, these as the air samples from the isolation room, and this is the blood chemical breakdown…"

Bored, Jamie began pacing the isolation room and tried not to think.

/\/\/\

"What do you think?" Zoe asked a few hours later, holding up a beaker of pink liquid.

"I think I'm hungry," Jamie replied from her glass room.

Zoe ignored her and held out the beaker towards the Doctor. He sniffed it and then stepped back, his eyes watering. "Goodness! Yes, that certainly smells off-putting. That should do the job nicely."

"Is it done?" Jamie asked hopefully. "Can I come out and have something to eat?"

"In a minute," the Doctor said impatiently, waving a hand in her general direction. "Now then… let's add some of this…" He added a few drops of some green sludge and swirled the lot around. "OK, I think we're just about ready. Zoe, could you pass me that atomizer there please?"

He poured the solution into the bottle and shook it. "Now, Jamie," he said, looking directly at her for the first time since he'd molested her. "I'm going to open the door and spray this on you. But don't step out of the room; I want to see how long the effects last against Zoe and you'll need to be able to get back in there quickly."

Jamie looked disappointed. "I cannae get food?"

"Oh, I'm sure it'll last long enough for that," Zoe said, wrinkling her nose. "Once you smell like that stuff, no-one will want to touch you."

To minimise any danger, the Doctor began spraying as he pressed the button to open the door and Jamie winced as she was engulfed in a foul smelling cloud of green gas. "Ugh, that's horrible."

"I don't care how bad you smell," Zoe said, looking glassy-eyed. "You're still gorgeous. I want your babies."

She took a wobbly step forward and the Doctor hastily closed the door again. "Let's try a bit more of the blue stuff, shall we?"

/\/\/\

The next attempt was even less successful. Despite being banished from the lab to give the antidote a chance to work, less that five seconds passed before Zoe lost control, burst into the room and tackled Jamie to the ground. It took several jabs from the electric shock baton to stop her from ripping the buttons off of Jamie's blouse.

"Can't we do this wit' Captain Truman?" Jamie complained, holding the front of her shirt closed.

Zoe groaned and began to climb slowly to her feet. "I like that idea. That hurt."

"I meant because he's less violent than you," Jamie said, looking sadly at a set of scratches across her upper chest.

"I'm afraid not," the Doctor said, holding the spray bottle up to the light. "It would far to complicated to explain. And anyway, if this one doesn't work, I'll sedate her before we try again."

"No you will not!" Zoe said, looking horrified. "Can't you just push me away? I'm a tiny little girl!"

"I'm going to lock the lab door this time," the Doctor said, ignoring her complains. "That should give Jamie enough time to get back into isolation."

Zoe stomped out of the room, muttering angrily under her breath. The Doctor shook his head and smiled ruefully at Jamie. "Oh dear, this isn't going well, is it?"

"She tore my shirt," Jamie said unhappily, lifting up her arm so the Doctor could see the split seam.

"Well hopefully she won't be able to get it the room this time," the Doctor said cheerfully, shaking the spray bottle.

"Hopefully it'll work this time," Jamie corrected.

"Yes, that too," he agreed. He hit the button and sprayed a cloud of noxious grey gas over the girl.

Then they waited.


	10. Chapter 10

WARNING R RATED CHAPTER.

Chapter Ten

Several seconds passed. Then there was a soft tapping at the door. "Have you done it yet?"

"Yes," the Doctor replied, glancing at Jamie, who took a wary step forward and grabbed the baton. "How do you feel?"

Zoe's voice was muffled but clear. "I feel fine," she called. "Have you really let him out or are you just teasing me?"

In response, the Doctor crossed the room and opened the door. "Now how do you feel?"

Zoe peered around him, trying to catch a glimpse of the other girl. "Oooh, it really works! That's great!"

"Really? You're no' going t' attack me again?" Jamie asked cautiously, pointing the baton threateningly at her.

"Attack you?" Zoe pretended to look hurt. "Didn't you enjoy our little romp? Ow," she added as the Doctor flicker her ear.

"Well, that's splendid!" The Doctor clapped his hands together in delight. Then he immediately sobered up. "Of course, this is only a temporary solution. You're still making those pheromones and eventually the spray will stop working. You'd better get some food while it still works and then sleep in the isolation room tonight. We'll need the rest for when we go back to the ship."

Jamie looked from one to the other and inched her way carefully past them. "Aye? Well… if you're sure… I'm going t' find something to eat." And with that, she ran out of the room.

Zoe flopped down onto the chair with a sigh. "Oh dear. Did I really try and rip his shirt off?"

"You have a photographic memory," the Doctor said with a small smile. "Do I really have to answer."

She buried her head in her hands with a moan. "Oh no…"

"It's all right, it wasn't your fault," the Doctor said comfortingly, patting her on the back. "Well, admittedly this whole mess _is_ your fault, but that bit wasn't; it was the pheromones. And Jamie knows that, he won't hold it against you."

"That's easy for you to say," Zoe muttered. "You didn't sexually molest him."

The Doctor sputtered and turned a dark shade of red. "Right, well-"

"Oh my goodness, you did!" Zoe jumped up from the chair with a squeal. "Oh DOCTOR!"

"Yes, all right, calm down!" the Doctor snapped. Zoe bounced from one foot to the other and then sat down, looking gleeful. "I didn't molest him as such… well, perhaps I did a little… well, it's none of your business!" he finished huffily. "And I certainly didn't try and tear his clothes off!"

Zoe just laughed. "Oh dear, Doctor. Poor Jamie! How did he get away? Did you get electrocuted too?"

"No. I pushed him into the isolation room," the Doctor said with a small frown, suddenly realising that Jamie hadn't fought back. Not a punch, not a kick. In fact… if he remembered correctly, Jamie had been quite keen.

He shook his head, deciding his memory must be playing tricks with him. "Well, I don't know about you, but after all that, I'm rather hungry too. Shall we go and join Jamie in the kitchen?"

/\/\/\

A few hours later the Doctor collapsed heavily onto his bed. He didn't need to sleep nearly as often as his human companions, but it had been an exhausting day and he needed to rest.

He pulled the covers up under his chin and closed his eyes and immediately, he found himself thinking back several hours to that delightful, insane kiss with Jamie. He sighed, rolled over and tried to think about something else.

Obligingly, his mind replaced Jamie as a girl with Jamie as a boy.

With a growl of frustration, he rolled back over again and covered his head with a pillow. These were entirely inappropriate thoughts, especially in the current circumstances. Perhaps a cold shower would be a good idea. He grabbed a dressing gown, opened his door and crashed straight into a shapely female figure.

"Doctor! Where are you going?"

The Doctor closed his eyes and moaned softly. This was not what he needed. He opened his eyes again and glared at Jamie. "It's my TARDIS, I'll go where I like. And what are you doing wandering around at this time of night? Shouldn't you be in bed?"

Jamie shrugged. "I'm no' tired. I thought I'd come ask ye for some biology books like y' said you'd show me so I could work out what's going on with me."

"Oh." The Doctor suddenly had a very bad idea. "You er… want me to instruct you on female biology?"

The girl smiled brightly. "Aye, that's right!"

He reached out a shaky hand and patted her shoulder. "You know…" he began breathlessly, "I could always teach you without books." Almost against his will, his hand trailed across to her collar to the top of her shirt and he waited for her to punch him.

Instead, she cocked her head to one side and looked innocently at him. "How would y' do that?"

"Well…" He knew it was wrong of him, but suddenly, he didn't care. If Jamie stopped him, he could always blame it on the pheromones. And if she didn't stop him…

He let his hand slide down further and smiled coyly at her. "Well, like this, I suppose," he said, pulling her closer.

"Oh!" Jamie eyes widened in understanding. For a few moments she just stood there, looking surprised, then she smiled softly and hesitantly raised her hand to his face, cupping his cheek. "Well, I dinnae like reading all that much."

"I promise you, this will be far more enjoyable than reading textbooks," the Doctor said hoarsely. He closed the distance between them and kissed her hesitantly, still expecting to be slapped.

Instead she coiled her arms around his neck and kissed him back, making his knees weak and his stomach back flip. Abandoning rationality, he dragged her into the room and closed the door, locking it behind him. He didn't want Zoe wandering along and interrupting them, or worse still, wanting to join in. He'd never expected the young tech to be so physical. Then again, he'd never expected to see Jamie as a girl, sitting on his bed. Yet there she was, gazing expectantly up at him.

"Doctor? Are y' just going t' stand and stare at me all night or are y' goin' t' come sit down wit' me?" she asked cheerfully, patting the space next to her.

He didn't need inviting twice. He grinned gleefully, sat down next to her and resumed kissing. He pushed her gently backwards and let his hands explore her body and this time there was no flinching. He broke the kiss and gazed at her. The features were different, but the eyes were still the same. It was still Jamie. He needed to be certain. "Are you sure about this?" he asked anxiously, brushing her hair out of her eyes.

Jamie pushed herself up onto her elbows and looked thoughtfully at him. "Aye, well, I was thinking. That spray stuff y' made will stop working, and I'd much rather it didnae stop working in the ship. But then I thought… instead of fighting it, why no' go along wit' it?" She dropped her gaze down slightly and went pink. "And… well, I'd rather it were wit' you. You were a lot… nicer t' me than everyone else."

"I suppose your theory does make sense," the Doctor agreed. "But you still don't have to do this. Not that I'm complaining," he added hastily as she pouted. "I mean, I'm terribly flattered but hbbgragh…"

His words died somewhere in his throat as Jamie moved her hands down to his waistband. She looked at him in amusement. "Plus, I thought it might be fun," she added cheerfully.

The Doctor tried to say something, but was incapable of coherent thought. Also, his mouth was suddenly occupied by Jamie's tongue. "Jamie, wait!" he protested, trying to push her away.

She looked hurt. "Och, Doctor, dinnae ye want me?"

"Well… yes, but… I'm just surprised, that's all," he tried to explain. "This is all very sudden-"

Jamie's mouth stopped him again. "I want this, Doctor."

Busy hands began unbuttoning his pyjamas and after a moment's hesitation, he stopped fighting and happily began removing her from her own clothes. "Oh _my!_" he exclaimed gleefully, gazing at the naked body beneath him.

"Is it… am I all right?" Jamie asked, suddenly looking worried. "It's still all strange like…"

"My dear boy-I mean girl, you're better than all right." He nibbled on her nipple, making her gasp beautifully. "You're utterly delightful."

The urge to dive straight into Jamie was almost painful, but he held himself back. That would be selfish and more than anything, he wanted her to enjoy this. He moved down her body, kissing her torso, stomach, thighs…

"Doctor!" Jamie cried out and plunged a hand into his hair. Her other hand grasped the sheet, twisting it desperately. "Please!" The Doctor moved back up her body and kissed her. She kissed him back hard and pulled him closer. "I want you, now," she said, raising her hips a fraction.

The Doctor smiled. "Very well," he murmured, nuzzling her neck. He ran his hands down her sides, held her hips and gently slid into her. She whimpered against his neck. "Are you all right?" he asked, concerned.

"Aye, please, dinnae stop," Jamie gasped, grinding against him.

It was all the encouragement he needed. Slowly at first, then faster, he moved back and forth, spurred on by her moans of pleasure. She dug her fingernails into his back and cried out his name and he couldn't hold back any longer. His breathing quickened, he arched his back and then collapsed heavily onto her. "Oh Jamie, Jamie!"

They lay together for a moment, holding each other, and then she pushed him away. "Well, that was very enjoyable," Margaret Thatcher said. "But I must be off now. Can you drop me off in 1982?"

The Doctor screamed and bolted upright, finding himself unexpectedly awake and alone. And uncomfortably sweaty and sticky. "Oh no…" he groaned, burying his head in his hands.

A knock on the door made him jump violently. "What?!"

"Doctor?" Zoe's voice floated through the room. "Are you all right? I heard a yell."

"I… I just had a bad dream," he called back. "I'm fine, go back to sleep." After hearing her footsteps die away, he flopped backwards onto his bed with a groan. No, he wasn't all right at all.


	11. Chapter 11

Chapter Eleven

It was a good thing the Doctor didn't need much sleep because he didn't get much after that dream; every time he closed his eyes, Margaret Thatcher would drop her bra and look coyly at him. It was almost more disturbing than the dream sex.

Almost.

Eventually, he gave up trying. Zoe found him several hours later in the kitchen, reciting a Buddhist prayer under his breath and absent-mindedly buttering both sides of his toast. "Oh, hello. Sleep well?" he asked.

"Better than you, by the looks of things," Zoe retorted. She sat down and moved the butter dish out of the way before the Doctor could stir some into his tea. "Is Jamie awake yet?"

"I don't know, I haven't looked yet," the Doctor admitted.

"Well I'm not going," Zoe said, helping herself to a piece of toast. "That spray is sure to have worn off by now."

The Doctor sighed and hauled himself reluctantly to his feet. He really didn't want to face Jamie right then, with that terrifying dream still fresh in his head. He felt even more awkward that the time he'd had a sex dream about Leonardo Da Vinci when he'd been teaching him about anatomy. At least he hadn't actually been remotely attracted to the inventor.

As he entered the lab, he was slightly disappointed to see that Jamie was wide awake and pacing the isolation room. "About time, I'm starving," the girl complained, catching sight of him.

The Doctor stayed silent. He was afraid if he tried to speak, he'd end up saying "guess what we did in my dream last night!" instead of "good morning to you too." Instead, he just picked up the pheromone spray and squirted it liberally in the doorway as he hit the button to open it, before wordlessly stomping back out of the lab before he did something pervy.

Jamie caught up with him halfway back to the kitchen. "What's up with you?" she asked curiously.

The Doctor made a noise that he hoped would pass as "nothing" and carried on into the kitchen where he resumed buttering his toast.

"What's up with him?" Jamie asked Zoe, sitting down next to her and helping herself to eggs, bacon and sausages.

Zoe shrugged. "How should I know? Maybe he had a bad dream." She gave the Doctor a sly look. "Or a good one."

The Doctor glared at her. "I slept badly. That's all. And-"

He was saved from having to explain further as Zoe suddenly grabbed the pheromone spray from his hands and sprayed Jamie in the face with it. Jamie yelped and dropped her fork with a clatter. "What was that for?!"

"Do you have any idea what you look like, eating that sausage?"

The Doctor choked on his toast and Jamie pushed her plate away, giving them both a look of disgust. "I'm done with breakfast now. Can we go change me back?"

"Oh my!" the Doctor exclaimed, dropping his toast. "Zoe, I completely forgot to ask how the repairs to the machine were going!"

Zoe wrinkled her nose in thought. "Well… now we know what's wrong, they know how to fix it. But Bob and Tracie were a bit disorientated when I left, I don't know if they managed any-" She stopped suddenly and sprayed Jamie in the face again.

The young Highlander spluttered furiously. "You- I wasnae doing anything then!"

"Do you want me to assault you again?" Zoe said crossly. "No? Then shut up."

"But we'll run out before we get t' the ship at this rate," Jamie complained. "Doctor, tell her!"

The Doctor rubbed his eyes wearily. "Oh dear. This isn't going very well, is it?"

"You know, there could be another way to stop the pheromones," Zoe said suddenly, looking mischievous.

"Oh aye? What's that?" Jamie asked before the Doctor could reach over and slap his hand over her mouth. He had a horrible idea of what was going through Zoe's mind.

Sure enough, she said it. "Go along with what they want."

Of course, this was the real Jamie, not the imaginary one from last night, and she looked utterly horrified. "You mean… do… have…" she stuttered.

The Doctor considered leaping over the table and stabbing Zoe to death with his butter knife before she could continue, but it was probably too blunt to do any damage. He settled for arm signals instead.

Ignoring the Doctor's frantic miming, Zoe cheerfully said, "have sex."

"I AM NOT HAVING BABIES!!!" Jamie shrieked.

Zoe winced and rubbed her ear. "Who said anything about babies? There's all sorts of pills and things to stop that happening. But simply having some sex might fool your body for a while."

"I'm no' doing it," Jamie said flatly, folding her arms across her chest. "It's a stupid idea. Right, Doctor?"

The Doctor opened his mouth to agree that yes, it was a terrible idea and Zoe was only suggesting it because she herself was affected by the pheromones. Somewhere between his brain and his mouth, the words changed to, "actually, it could work."

Zoe looked delighted. Jamie looked appalled.

"In theory," the Doctor added hastily. "And anyway, although the biology might work, it's a terrible idea and we're not even going to consider it any more."

"Spoil sport," Zoe muttered with a pout. "Fine then. We'll do it your way, with the boring old machine."

/\/\/\

Armed with the pheromone spray and the electric shock baton, the trio set off back towards the spaceship. The journey was made in silence; Jamie had given up complaining whenever Zoe sprayed her, Zoe was concentrating on her raging hormones and the Doctor was quietly panicking about the status of the repairs.

It didn't take long to reach the ship. The Doctor looked into the broken hull and shrugged. "Well, it looks quiet. I'll go first. You follow me, Jamie, and Zoe, you spray him."

Inside, the ship was as derelict and deserted as it had been the day before. The Doctor helped his companions climb inside and began walking down the corridors towards the room containing the terraforming machine.

"Here we are," the Doctor said in relief, spotting the familiar metal door. He pushed it open and peered inside. "No-one's here."

"Why's that?" Jamie asked curiously.

The Doctor shrugged. "Maybe they fixed it. We already know the crew don't use this part of the ship any more." He walked over to the machine and examined it. "Oh yes, that's looking much better," he said happily. "Yes, I think that will do nicely. Jamie, stand over there. Yes. No, right a little bit."

Zoe sidled up to the Doctor, looking hopeful. "Do we HAVE to turn him back just yet? I'm sure if we put it off for a day or two, I could talk him into trying some sex."

The Doctor smiled ruefully. "Yes, Zoe, we really have to turn him back. You know that perfectly well." He reached out and flicked a few buttons.

A blue light surrounded Jamie. The Doctor and Zoe caught a glimpse of her nervous face before red specks swirled around her, glowing brighter and brighter until a flash of light temporarily blinded them.

The Doctor blinked rapidly, trying to clear the spots from his eyes. Then he grinned in delight. It had worked!

Jamie was male again.


	12. Chapter 12

Chapter Twelve

A split second later, Captain Truman burst through the doors, brandishing a rifle. "What do-oh, it's you lot," he said, relaxing slightly. Then he caught sight of Jamie. "Oh no, you poor girl, what's happened to you?!" he exclaimed in horror.

Jamie grinned nervously. "Well…"

"Really, Doctor, I would've thought you'd know better than to play around with this machine," he scolded. "Still, it's all right, Jamie, Bob and Tracie tell me they've fixed it, so if you'll just wait a second, I'll get them to turn you back."

"Oh no, that won't be necessary," the Doctor said hastily.

"But…" Captain Truman waved his hands in Jamie's direction. "She's a boy!" he hissed. "Such a thing must be awfully traumatic."

The Doctor sighed. "I'm afraid we've misled you, Captain," he said apologetically. "Jamie always was a boy."

Captain Truman looked blankly from the Doctor to Jamie. "What?"

"Aye, it's true," Jamie said awkwardly. "It was an accident. Well, sort of an accident," he added, glaring at Zoe.

"What? I said I was sorry, didn't I?" she said defensively.

"You mean when you were first found here, you… oh god." Captain Truman perched on the edge of the control panel, looking stunned. "I mean… oh my god. I mean…"

"Perhaps you could just tell the rest of the crew we went, hmm?" the Doctor said gently, patting him on the shoulder. "They don't need to know the details."

"I asked you to marry me!" Captain Truman wailed. He cradled his head in his hands. "What was I thinking?!"

"It was the DNA machine," Zoe explained, walking over and patting him on the shoulder. "It made Jamie… well, it made us all do silly things." She paused suddenly, her hand in mid-air. "Oh my, did I really…?"

Jamie folded his arms and nodded crossly. "Aye, y did."

Zoe rubbed her temples and groaned in shame. "Oh noooooo."

"I think we'd better get going back to the TARDIS before anyone else comes to see what's happening," the Doctor said gently. He glanced at Captain Truman. "Er… are you all right?"

The captain looked up at him with a glazed expression. "Me? Yes, I'm fine. Just… go away so I can pretend this never happened."

The Doctor nodded and began herding his two companions out of the door. "Wouldnae be nice if it were that easy?" Jamie muttered just loudly enough for his friends to hear.

Neither of them replied.

/\/\/\

Back at the TARDIS, the Doctor didn't take off immediately. If Jamie wasn't back to normal, he wanted to be in the right point in time and space to fix it. Instead, he occupied himself by cleaning up the lab. Various bits of equipment that had dared to stand between Zoe and Jamie had been smashed to bits by the former, and sweeping up glass and metal fragments was very therapeutic.

Jamie, meanwhile, had given in to curiosity and gone to the library to read up on female biology. He was just getting revolted by the whole process of reproduction when Zoe strolled in and sat on his feet. "What d'ye want?" he asked suspiciously, lowering the book and poking her with his toes.

"I just… well, I wanted to let you know I really am sorry I turned you into a girl," she said awkwardly. "And I'm sorry I molested you. Several times."

Jamie shrugged. "Och, it's fine. Dinnae do it again though."

"Oh, I won't, don't worry," Zoe said quickly. "You're not sexy anymore. I mean, you're moderately attractive, I'll admit," she added hastily as he puffed up in outrage. "But I don't want to have sex with you any more. You're not my type."

"Good. You're no' my type either," the Scot replied, slightly sulkily. He lifted the book up again and began reading.

"Jamie?"

He lowered the book again. "Aye?"

Zoe fidgeted for a moment, and then asked in a rush, "wasIanygoodatkissing?"

Jamie paused, trying to decipher the sentence in his head and then frowned. "Well, y' bit me. Which wasnae very nice."

"But other than that?" Zoe persisted. "I wasn't slobbery or anything, was I?"

"Well… no… you were just…" Jamie paused, trying to think of a nice way to put it. "Determined."

Zoe thought about that for a moment. "OK. But was it good or bad?"

"I dinnae know!" Jamie said, exasperated. "It was weird!"

"Weird?" Zoe looked surprised. "Weird how?"

"Because… because I were a lass," Jamie explained, turning pink at the memory. "And so are ye."

Zoe laughed incredulously. "You travel through time and space in a London police box happily enough, but kissing girls is weird? Sorry, sorry," she added quickly as he glared at her.

"It's unnatural," Jamie muttered.

"So is the food synthesizer in the kitchen," Zoe pointed out. "But you don't say _that's_ weird." She suddenly smiled mischievously. "Does that mean it wasn't weird when the Doctor kissed you?"

She watched in amusement as Jamie turned even pinker and spluttered protests. "It wasnae-I didn't… I mean, we weren't… stop laughing at me!" He shifted his feet and Zoe toppled off the sofa with a satisfying squeal.

The Doctor appeared in the doorway, alerted by Zoe's yell. "What's going on?!"

Zoe sat up, looking petulant. "Jamie pushed me off the sofa for asking whether it was weirmmph!"

"It's nowt, we're fine," Jamie said hastily, holding a hand over the girl's mouth. "Can we-eurgh!" He whipped his hand away from Zoe's mouth in disgust and wiped it on his kilt.

"Next time you do that, I'll bite instead," Zoe said crossly.

The Doctor looked from one companion to the other with a slight smile. "Well, it would appear that Jamie's pheromone levels are back to normal at least."

"Can we go then?" Jamie asked eagerly.

"If you like," the Doctor agreed. "Would you like to go anywhere in particular?"

"How about prehistoric Earth?" Zoe muttered. "Then Jamie can kill some buffalo with his bare hands, drag some girls around by their hair and regain confidence in his sexuality."

"There's a black hole forming a few galaxies over, it should be quite a spectacle," the Doctor said quickly before Jamie could retaliate. "Let's go there. Zoe, would you be a dear and go check the mercury levels before we go?"

He waited until Zoe had stomped out of the room, grumbling under her breath, and then turned to face Jamie. "So… how do you feel?" he asked carefully.

"Fine," the boy said unconvincingly. "Everything seems t' be in the right place and Zoe says I'm no' attractive anymore. And nobody seems t' want to jump on me."

The Doctor opened his mouth to disagree with that last statement and then thought better or it. He didn't want to confuse the boy any more; from now on he was going to keep his own hormonal urges under control. "Good, good," he said with a smile. "Now, why don't you put that book down and come to the control room?"

"Well… I wanted t' find out about that mensu… mestra… chemical cycle thing Zoe was talking about," Jamie said slowly.

"Ah. Well… I think that's really a need-to-know thing," the Doctor said with a grimace. "And now you're no longer a girl, you don't need to know." He held out a hand encouragingly. "Come on. I think you deserve a break."

After a moment's hesitation, Jamie took his hand and stood up. He could work out his feelings another time. For now it was just good to be back to normal.


End file.
